Wednesday, April 22, 2009

So thankful...

A year ago today I was 5 months pregnant. We were still in a state of shock and excitement that we were pregnant with a girl. Tony and I (from dating through marriage) had always envisioned that we were boy parents and figured we would have a house full of them. We were elated to see this girl that showed us yet again our plans were not the Lords. We had just decided that we would name this sweet one we had yet to meet Eden Elizabeth. We loved her already.

Then I began to bleed. I called Tony immediately and we headed downtown. I was scared. He was scared. I could still feel Eden kicking. Every time she kicked I would say out loud, Please Lord. Sometimes that has to be enough...and I am confident it is. I remember thinking I wonder if April 22nd is a day I will remember for the rest of my life. The sonogram showed a healthy baby...but the dr. was straight forward as she asssigned me to bed rest and let me know what often occurs after bleeding starts.

I remember going home and praying...trying to surrender this baby...and realizing I could not. I remember asking the Lord to meet me, yet again in my reluctance. I remember hearing in my heart, "She is mine already, release your grip." It took days, even weeks, even months to uncurl my fingers. Even still I watch this baby smile, I watch her try to crawl, I watch her breathe as she sleeps and I feel my grip tighten again...and if I am quiet enough in the stillness of her room, I feel in my heart the words, "She is already mine, release your grip." Sometimes it is a warm breeze to my soul, on other days it is a more startling wind. And yet, however it blows, it blows with love....and I feel the need to, yet again loosen my grip.

I am so thankful the Lord allowed Eden Elizabeth Brooks to be carried to term. I am so thankful her for her sweet smiles that melt her mother and daddy. I am so thankful that she is a baby who already knows that fierce love her brothers have for her. I am thankful for the ways I see her cousins,aunts and uncles love on her. I am so thankful for the unique little personality we see emerging.

"He will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing." Isaiah 51:3

I am so thankful she is ours...but I am most thankful she is His.
Lord, hear the sounds of thanksgiving tonight.