Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Windows

This Saturday Payton and I leave for Benin, West Africa. We will be gone for 12 days. Emotions are running high at our house as we anticipate being apart.

Payton and I are so excited about being with the Vaughns...we cannot wait to meet our sweet Lael, to throw our arms around everyone of them, to experience life and the "dailys" of living in Benin, to laugh and to just be together...but there are some mental hurdles I have to cross before I get there...some windows I have to walk by first.

I made my first trip to Africa when I was in the 6th grade. I remember staying up late the night before I left and writing my will. For some reason, if something happened to me, it was very important to me to make sure my collection of hair bows went to someone I loved. I have been back to Africa many times since...each time I have painstakingly made out a will. (I wish I had saved them over the years.) The last time that Tony and I went to Benin was before we had children. Obviously now we have a will that is sealed in some vault in our attorney's office somewhere downtown. There is no need to write another one. Even more obvious people go to Africa all the time and return in one piece. And yet...just as I pondered my mortality that night before leaving in the 6th grade I find myself here again.

I have not been sleeping much...if I so much as roll over at night I find myself wide awake...and then my conversation with the Lord begins...

I have found myself peering through the window of "what if" way too many times...I wonder why outside of this window is always the worst case-scenario? I have stopped pausing at that window. I have spent more time as of late pausing at the window of faith. When my emotions go full throttle I am left choked up at the thought of leaving Benjamin, at the thought of leaving Tony...and so I wrestle in prayer to lay those emotions down...to instead take hold of the joy that we get to go. That Payton and I will have this experience together...at how sweet our reunion with Benjamin and Tony will be.

And I have to rest in confidence that the Lord cares for my husband and my children, if anything were to ever happen to me...it is Him who has plans to prosper them, to give them a hope and future and regardless of circumstances His plans stand. I feel increased vulnerability traveling with Payton and yet He calls to mind that it is His shield that protects Payton, not the comforts of America, not our pediatricain around the block, but Him. I must rest in that.

Tony is quick to remind me that what we want for our boys are lives of following the Lord's call. We want to teach them a life of trust, not one of fear. We want their lives to be one of adventure and we want them to know that they are the Lord's given to us that we might point them to Him...that someday they might advance His Kingdom either across the street or around the world. We want them to know that they cannot go anywhere He has not gone before them...there are some lessons that cannot be taught at home.


I have felt in my late night conversations with the Lord the same still small voice pressing in on my heart, "Do you trust me?" Its amazing how many times in life you find yourself boiling life down to that one question and I know it is a question I will answer on Saturday. My eyes will be filled with tears, my heart with anticipation and with my hand holding Payton's we will walk towards the plane...answering yes and praying He would help my unbeleif the whole way...

We would so appreciate your prayers...

10 comments:

msajeffrey said...

Beck...how blessed we are that you are able to get your thoughts on paper...or on blogs for us to read!

Our God is so good about giving us opportunities to stretch sometimes to the point that it seems that we can actually feel our faith grow. I am thankful you took the opportunity when it was offered....obedience is hard. Stand strong sweet sister.

As I watch you and Pate head for the plane this week end I know my heart will ache and tears will fill my eyes as you go in obedience to be a blessing as well as to recieve a blessing...and oh yes the reunions will be sweet both in Benin and in Texas!

It does my heart good to see the adventureous Jeffrey spirit being modeled and passed down to the next generation! Isn't Payton the same age AJ was when he got his first passport?

Beverly Ross said...

Becky, I am a friend of your precious mom's and she told me about your blog. What a treasure! Thank you for sharing such a deep part of your soul. I am praying! I will pray until you return and the reunions are reported. Can't wait to hear how the Lord is going to use you!!!!

Chesley said...

It was good for me to read this post. I needed to hear the part about "it is Him who has plans to prosper them". I have the same fear about what will happen to Cody and Garrett if I am not here to run the house, get groceries, buy their clothes, etc... God has plans for them like he does me. I think it is easy to loose focus and think that we are in control when we are not. At least I have that problem and have to remind myself I am not in control.
I hope you and Payton have a wonderful trip! What an awesome memory you two will share. I look forward to seeing some pictures. God's blessings on your family!

Murray & Jaime said...

I'm looking forward to seeing pictures of you and Payton with the WONDERFUL Vaughn family on their blog in just a few days!! Our prayers have already begun for you and your family and will continue until we see pictures of you and Payton returning to Texas on your blog in just a few weeks!

Love you!! Jaime

Courtney said...

I cried reading this. What you're saying describes so well the feelings I would probably have in a similar situation. It also reminds me of the precious road these missionaries walk when they leave family behind to live across the world. You are all an inspiration as you put God first and walk in faith with Him. We'll be praying for you and your family both here and there. Love you!

April Carrasco said...

Becky, you and your family are in my prayers. What a blessing to share this with Payton. God is with all of you when you are together and when you are apart just the same. I know His blessings will be known during this trip. Safe travels and God's speed.

April Spicer said...

Becky,
My heart goes soft reading your entry. I think you and I have been mimicking eachother in these late night periods. I have often wondered why I seem to be the only one around me thinking of the morbid or less than desirable possibilities of life. You are so right to turn those over to God. Even when you can't get immediate assurance that you are way off the mark. That is the hard part about living the unknown every day. Ultimately He is the only one who can soothe the pain that comes with these wild speculations of what could/might/might not happen. And yes, you are right-- people go to and from Africa every day with complete safety. My prayer will not only be that you are one of these people, but that the Lord will fill you with a peace you haven't felt before (or maybe in a long time) about his provision for you and the overall scheme of your life and loved ones. On a practical level, you know that you'll feel so much better once you are smiling at the wonderful faces of the Vaughans as you deboard the aircraft. I have no doubt you'll have the time of your life. How long are you going to be there? Payton will be such a special companion to you the whole time. What a wonderful blessing! And I know he'll remember the trip forever and ever. I hope you can post some things once you get there. I love you sweet friend! May you be blessed with peace!!!

Shelly said...

What a GIFT you will be to your family in Benin and to ALL you come in contact with. I'll be praying that God uses you and Payton to touch MANY on this trip and that it will be full of fun, wonderful memories to pass down to generations. Praying also for your heart and God's peace for you ALL. Love you!!

Randy & Kelly Vaughn said...

We are praying that peace will guard your heart like a shield from the time you step on the plane to come until the time you step off the plane back in Fort Worth! We are so excited to see you and Pate on Sunday! As Timo says, "I just can't beweeve I'm gonna see Pater at the airport!"

Be sure and tell people to check our blog. There will be pictures up of ALL of us starting Monday!

Love you so!

Kelly

vicki said...

Beck, you are so often in my thoughts. I thank God that you are so gifted at expressing your faith and your fears. That ability makes you an incredible communicator...I like to think it runs in the family!! May God hold you close and protect you and your family on both sides of the ocean. I will be looking for kelly's posts of the great Benin Reunion! Travel safely; go with God, Aunt VG