If I could give a list of the top ten thoughts rolling around in my head as drive down the road you would most of the time find me pondering one of these:
1. I am desperate for Jesus. My marriage is great, my kids wonderful, my friends are a gift...and yet in the midst of every blessing I have received I am that much more convicted of the sin, really the ugliness, that still resides in my heart. I need Him in the most real sense of the word.
2. I really miss my grandmother. She went to be with the Lord on August 10th. She was ready to be with Him and we all knew it was time. Yet I ache over the loss of her friendship here on earth. The boys and I would go by nearly every other day and show off all their new tricks. She thrilled at watching them. I listen to Benjamin's little talking voice and choke up sometimes...she would of loved it. That thought is always followed up by the knowledge of knowing her heart is thrilled at being in the presence of the Lord...she had longed for that. I miss her deeply.
3. Sometimes I am in too big a hurry. I am a "stay-at-home" mom and yet I look around and I am doing alot that does not involve staying at home. I will never have these years back with our 2 boys. I am concentrating more on making the priorities priorities...I listened to a song the other day that said, "love to me is when you put down that "just one more thing" and say nothing will come between me and you, not even one thing." I will always have just "one more thing", I will not always have them in this home. Lord, let me cherish every moment.
4. My posture is terrible. Terrible.
5. There are alot of things that make me cry out to the Lord. I long for Ira Hays to grow up strong and healthy. I long for marriages of people I love to be healed. I long for my sister and Randy's work in Benin to continue to bring the most amazing harvest. I long for many who ache for a baby to be able to have one of their own. I long for the heartaches of those I know and some that I don't to be healed. Most of all, I long for more of Him in every situation...even when I do not understand what that means I know that I want it.
6. The people at Sonic know what we want when we pull up. Payton rolls down his window and yells out our order from the back seat. Lately I have been driving past Sonic...We eat too many grilled cheese and I drink too many diet cokes and frankly its embaressing to be the "Norm" of the neighborhood Sonic.
7. Our boys are boys in the truest sense of the word...and we have the stitches to prove it. I think about their personalities and marvel at what makes them, as well as Tony tick. I am mesmorized by all of their thoughts and actions. They intrigue me.
8. Will I ever get organized? My husband is disciplined and in order in almost every aspect of his life. I long for more of that. It does not come natural for me but I want to make it happen...at least enough that you can sit down in our office and not have bills fall into your coffee.
9. Sometimes I will say out loud, "I am tired." People are always quick to say all the reasons why I would be... and I agree those are tiring. But honestly, the most exhausting part of being a parent to me is the sheer vulnerability of having your heart be on the outside of your body at all times in the form of your children. I want the best for our 2, the 8 other nieces and nephews I have, all the children that have knit their way into my heart...and I am struck with the reality that sometimes watching the best unfold, even just growing up, is painful.
10. I need to literally learn to "love my neighbor as myself" and that means getting out there and meeting more of them than I know now.
