Thursday, January 26, 2006

Thoughts...

If I could give a list of the top ten thoughts rolling around in my head as drive down the road you would most of the time find me pondering one of these:

1. I am desperate for Jesus. My marriage is great, my kids wonderful, my friends are a gift...and yet in the midst of every blessing I have received I am that much more convicted of the sin, really the ugliness, that still resides in my heart. I need Him in the most real sense of the word.

2. I really miss my grandmother. She went to be with the Lord on August 10th. She was ready to be with Him and we all knew it was time. Yet I ache over the loss of her friendship here on earth. The boys and I would go by nearly every other day and show off all their new tricks. She thrilled at watching them. I listen to Benjamin's little talking voice and choke up sometimes...she would of loved it. That thought is always followed up by the knowledge of knowing her heart is thrilled at being in the presence of the Lord...she had longed for that. I miss her deeply.

3. Sometimes I am in too big a hurry. I am a "stay-at-home" mom and yet I look around and I am doing alot that does not involve staying at home. I will never have these years back with our 2 boys. I am concentrating more on making the priorities priorities...I listened to a song the other day that said, "love to me is when you put down that "just one more thing" and say nothing will come between me and you, not even one thing." I will always have just "one more thing", I will not always have them in this home. Lord, let me cherish every moment.

4. My posture is terrible. Terrible.

5. There are alot of things that make me cry out to the Lord. I long for Ira Hays to grow up strong and healthy. I long for marriages of people I love to be healed. I long for my sister and Randy's work in Benin to continue to bring the most amazing harvest. I long for many who ache for a baby to be able to have one of their own. I long for the heartaches of those I know and some that I don't to be healed. Most of all, I long for more of Him in every situation...even when I do not understand what that means I know that I want it.

6. The people at Sonic know what we want when we pull up. Payton rolls down his window and yells out our order from the back seat. Lately I have been driving past Sonic...We eat too many grilled cheese and I drink too many diet cokes and frankly its embaressing to be the "Norm" of the neighborhood Sonic.

7. Our boys are boys in the truest sense of the word...and we have the stitches to prove it. I think about their personalities and marvel at what makes them, as well as Tony tick. I am mesmorized by all of their thoughts and actions. They intrigue me.

8. Will I ever get organized? My husband is disciplined and in order in almost every aspect of his life. I long for more of that. It does not come natural for me but I want to make it happen...at least enough that you can sit down in our office and not have bills fall into your coffee.

9. Sometimes I will say out loud, "I am tired." People are always quick to say all the reasons why I would be... and I agree those are tiring. But honestly, the most exhausting part of being a parent to me is the sheer vulnerability of having your heart be on the outside of your body at all times in the form of your children. I want the best for our 2, the 8 other nieces and nephews I have, all the children that have knit their way into my heart...and I am struck with the reality that sometimes watching the best unfold, even just growing up, is painful.

10. I need to literally learn to "love my neighbor as myself" and that means getting out there and meeting more of them than I know now.

5 comments:

Murray & Jaime said...

Poweful thoughts, Beck...I'd be too embarrassed to type my top 10. Some of them resemble yours..aching for those with sick babies or those waiting on a baby to come every month and the devastation of knowing that it'll be at least another month, maybe longer...it's so hard to understand the reasons behind the waiting and yet we wait with them and pray for them daily!!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!

Love you!

Jaime

Anonymous said...

I love hearing your thoughts. We are definitely cut from the same rock...I love you Becky! Loved talking with you on the phone yesterday. We are back at home now and have had a very sweet reunion with the Prices!

Randy & Kelly Vaughn said...

That was Kelly above...now it's my turn. We sure love hearing your thoughts Beck. We love getting so many encouraging emails from you and encouraging blog comments...this may be my first here. Sorry it's taken me so long! I love knowing you are crying out to God on our behalf as well as interceding to the throneroom of heaven for so many others!
-Randy

mindy tyndall said...

Posting at 5:22 am and YOU don't have your priorities right? I have been a mom for, well, a long time, and I still don't get up at 5:22 in the morning!
Okay - thanks for your sweet comment on my blog - you always make me smile!
Now, I would like to comment on some of your top 10 list...
#2 - "I miss my grandmother..." I feel the same way, only my grandmother has not left this earth yet. She is 95 years old, suffering from very progressed Alzheimer's, has a very tired body...but yet, she is still here. More work to do, I suppose. Although she is not the same grannie I grew up with or that my own children remember, she still manages to get this family together for special days (like Grannie birthday, Grannie Christmas, etc.) She doesn't know who we are, but we are ALL aware of who she is and what she has meant to this family. She doesn't KNOW she has a great-great grandson, yet we were blessed enough to get a photo of Jack with her, his great-grandfather (my dad), me (Mimi!), and his momma - 5 living generations...now, there's a story! She still remembers all the words to the old hymns and when we get together, she sings along with us. She carries a baby doll around with her, and loves and protects her as if she were her own. I'm not sure if she is the one who needs us...or we are the ones who need her.
#3 - "Stay-at-home mom" - this is an entirely misleading phrase. I prefer to call it "stay-in-the-presence-of-the-kids mom" - now, that could be anywhere - right? Leading me to #6 - "SONIC" - there is no shame in sharing a bit of the past (i.e. drive-in-restaurants) with your children! Also, my sister and I were laughing tonight as we both ordered a Diet Dr. Pepper from Sonic - ironically, it reminds us of Grannie (see #2) - that was all she EVER kept in her house and it was in a blue metallic can - it is a sweet memory...and how do you deny yourself that!!! Besides, grilled cheese has calcium.
#7 - "boys..." During the 3rd-4th year of Brad's life, we visited the emergency room 6 times for injuries he sustained because he believed he was: 1)Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (forehead), 2) "The Boy Who Could Fly" - do you remember that movie?, 3) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (top of head - no hair grows there now), 4) "I don't want to get down off the table...", 5) Can my Nikes really make me "fly" - off the 10 foot loft at the family farm, 6) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (jumping off a chair toward a window will ALWAYS result in the window breaking, thus causing a severe cut, etc, etc, etc.) About the 3rd visit, the questions started to get very uncomfortable!
#7 - "Getting organized...bills falling into coffee cups..." - look at it this way...each time a paper flies from the mess into the organization Tony prefers, he thinks of you, AND there IS something creative about disorganized people (I live for that statement!!!)
I don't mean to make light of your list...but, I learned a long time ago that along with the serious thought we have, and the pain we may bear, a little laughter is always good! You are SO special!
Love you!
Mindy

Ron and Marilyn said...

Hey Becky,

Loved your list and love Payton's very precious antedotes. I think it's good you're preserving them on this blog. Otherwise, they might just forever be forgotten. And yes, treasure all these things in your heart, just as Mary did. And someday you'll have time to 'ponder' them:-)

love ya,

Marilyn