Wrestling

I beleive in prayer...I read everything I can about it. I enjoy studying it. I love talking to others about it. I love praying with my husband, with my boys, with anyone....It is the highest honor I have received on this earth...To have The King of the Universe listen to my thoughts is at times invigorating, at other times embaressing, at all times humbling. For I recognize that His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are higher than mine ... He is after all the Lord of Lords.

This week I have been working with Benjamin on articulating his thoughts..."Don't just scream son, use words to tell us what you need." "Benjamin, you can't just throw yourself on the floor and expect us to know what you want, you must talk to us." Sometimes Benjamin is able to pull himself out of an emotional nosedive and articulate his thoughts....other times he is removed to his bedroom until he gains some self-control. In the midst of all of this my love never ebbs for Benjamin. I am crazier about him each and everyday. Sometimes the parent-child relationship mirrors the God-child relationship and even in this example I see our Heavenly Father...but at some point it breaks down quite a bit.

I am thankful that the Lord allows me to articulate my thoughts to Him. I am thankful, in the deepest sense for Him calling me to a relationship with Him...that in His goodness He calls me to partner with Him through prayer...But this week, I am thankful, to the very core of me...that he does not ask me to articulate my thoughts or pull out of an emotional nosedive before I come to Him.

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." Romans 8:26-28

My thoughts have been consumed this week with a young mother of 4 who is currently struggling for her life against leukemia. There are some battles that you hear are going on and you ache for the family, you pray for them, and go on through your day, then there are other battles that you hear of and for some reason, that cannot be explained, you find yourself thrust right into the middle of it your heart split wide open...begging the Lord with every thought, crying out on behalf of those He has bonded you to, only through the working of the Spirit. I read her husbands words, her mothers words, her siblings words as they update the world on her condition and my heart literally groans within me. Sometimes I hear myself pray and I feel like, in human terms I am doing a good job articulating my heart to my Father...other times I look like Benjamin, throwing myself down on floor, wailing, wanting so badly to get the response that I want...fighting a desperate fight for the end result that I want but can't see.

I am yearning to see a complete healing in this mother's life...and I know that some people will say, that is what death is for a Christian, complete healing. On some levels I know that, in other ways I don't want to. So I continue to beg, to plead, to wrestle in prayer. Knowing that regardless the outcome- He is God.

and yet...my Heart groans even as I type that...Be magnified Lord through an earthly healing...Extend her life as you did for Hezekiah...We wait for you alone.

***Please read comment #3 and please keep this precious family in your prayers.